Don't waste this
by Meregil Svarteros Laevateinn
Summary: Coda to 15x03 / After Cas left, the lives of TFW are shaken up. They all are grieving, but Sam seems to be the only Winchester to take a step back and think about the big picture. Dean is stuck in his anger, and his relationship with Cas has never been this bad. Sam has had enough of this shit, and will do anything to make Dean see reason. Before they lose Castiel completely.
1. Chapter 1

Hey there ! Here is my second coda for this equally brilliant and frustrating episode. This will be chaptered !

I've tried to focus a bit more on Sam and his feelings, and there will be more straightforward Destiel.

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Sam sat on the bed, facing the wall of his room, for what felt like hours after Dean left. Images of Rowena kept flashing up in his mind. Some good ones, some a bit less. Some fresh memories, some older. But the ones that kept returning were his last ones. Her soft voice trying to cheer him up, to give him courage. _That's my boy_. Sam had been crying at this point. She hadn't. The witch had always been so strong, even faced with her imminent death. He looked down at his hands, his memory supplying the colour of the blood that had been washed. He felt bile rise up as he watched the brownish mark grow larger every second that passed, staining her pink dress.

A half sob escaped the man's lips and he squeezed his eyes shut. He could still smell Rowena's delicate perfume, still feel her small frame start to shake as he held her in his arms. Sam could still feel her breath halting when he plunged the blade in her stomach and hear her pained cries. That's when tears had made an apparition in the witch's eyes.

Sam passed a hand in his hair while he willed his lungs to work normally. His chest felt constricted, even more so than when_ it_ happened. There had been adrenaline flowing in his veins at that time. Now he could only feel loneliness and despair. All that happened in a week was too much, all the deaths… First mom, then Jack, then Rowena, hunters who came to help, even Ketch. Really, they only had a dozen people left. Jody, Donna and the girls, a couple of hunters from both their word and the other one, and Cas.

Sam didn't know how to feel about the angel. While he had been the one to kill Rowena, he had had to do it because their plan hadn't worked. Because suddenly, the souls stopped going back to hell. Belphegor hadn't finished his task. And the only other person they knew to be with him had been Castiel. Something had obviously gone wrong and the angel knew about it. He might even have had a hand in it, if Dean's furious attitude had been to trust.

This left Sam with a bitter feel. On one hand, he felt for Cas, who had lost his son and Mary as well, but on the other hand he felt there was something important he didn't know.

Suddenly more agitated, the hunter sprang to his feet. Lost in thoughts, he went straight to the kitchen, drank a glass of relatively cold water and splashed some on his face. His head finally felt a bit clearer. Leaning on the counter, Sam took a deep breath and ran his hands over his face. They came back wet. Well that explained why he felt like his head was going to explode. Tears, added to his general exhaustion and stress were bound to do that. Sighing, he put his glass in the sink and left the kitchen. Might as well try to sleep, even if he had only a small chance to actually rest.

As Sam changed to get into bed, the wound in his shoulder made itself know again. The man glared at it for a second then grit his teeth to put on a loose t shirt. If there was one thing he was sure of, it's that Chuck was to blame for a lot, if not everything.

Sleep took the hunter hours later, while his memory replayed Rowena's fall to Hell.

Sam woke up the next morning feeling like a train had passed over him. His head hurt, his face felt blotchy and the pain in his chest had not receded. He didn't know exactly what had woken him up, except it had been a nightmare. All he could remember was that Mary and Rowena had been in it.

The hunter forced himself to leave his bed and start his morning routine. He didn't really have the motivation to go on a run, but decided to go anyway. He would run less, but he would still do it. Anything to keep up a bit of normalcy, and to avoid getting lost in thoughts.

When Sam stepped out of the bunker, his first thought was that the Earth had the same feelings he did. The sky was clouded, the air humid and cold. He ran for thirty minutes with aching limbs but an empty mind before he stopped in the middle of nowhere on his way back. He tried to catch his breath, but it only made him start coughing. Knowing he should keep moving, Sam walked in circles for a few minutes. Unfortunately, his brain had decided to start torturing him again. He clenched his fists repeatedly, willing the memories to go away. Of course, it didn't work and he let himself slump down at the foot of a tree. He punched the floor once, twice, before dragging his knees up and prop his elbows on them. The man buried his face in his arms and let his tears fall, with only the nature as a witness of his grief.


	2. Chapter 2

Hey !

This chapter inserts itself in between episodes 3 and 4. Depending on how the other episodes go, I might follow part of the season like this… we'll see (I have quite a precise plot in head though, so it might only work for a few episodes)

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Sam went back to his room to stretch a bit then took a shower. It left him even more exhausted than before. Slowly, he made his way to the kitchen, whishing for peace and companionship at the same time. He felt like he could explode at the smallest pressure, but loneliness would only worsen his mood.

Only Dean was in the kitchen when he entered, though, and his brother didn't seem to want to talk. Not that it was really out of the ordinary, mind you, but he seemed absorbed in his coffee more than usual. The older Winchester acknowledged his younger brother with a nod, but otherwise stayed silent. Sam was fine with it for the moment. He poured himself some coffee and ate an apple. Once he had rinsed his mug, he leaned on the counter and cleared his throat.

"Dean, do you know where is Cas ?"

His words made his brother tense like a rod. Dean glared at his empty coffee mug and clenched his jaw. He huffed then finally answered "He left."

"Sorry, what ?" To say that Sam was shocked would be an understatement. The angel hadn't been gone in so long, that him just leaving like that was unexpected, especially after all that happened.

"You heard me. He left the bunker."

"Why ? What happened, what did he say ?"

"That since Jack was dead, Chuck gone and we had each other, it was time to move on." Sam couldn't believe what he was hearing. Castiel wouldn't have left for that, without even telling him goodbye.

"Dean. What really happen ? Did you say something to him ?"

Dean angrily snorted. "Oh so it's _my_ fault now ?"

"I didn't" Sam started. "Yes that's what you're implying. Well no. He left because he decided to. It was his choice, maybe one of the few that weren't completely bad ones."

"What do you mean ?"

"What do - Cas killed Belphegor, Sam." At that, Sam felt like gallons of icy water had dropped on his head. "He said that he was lying and actually trying to absorb the souls to gain power. Well shocker ! Demons lie ! We could have dealt with the situation later, _with_ Rowena."

Sam didn't answer, still trying to proceed the new information. Rowena sacrificed herself -_made him kill her_\- because their first plan hadn't worked. Because the crook had stopped doing it's job. Because Belphegor had died. Because Castiel had killed him.

Suddenly Sam felt a wave of rage directed towards Castiel rise inside himself. He had had to kill his friend because Castiel hadn't followed the plan. Rummaging through thoughts and memories, he barely heard Dean say he was going to work on the Impala.

The older Winchester left the kitchen as soon as he could, using the excuse of working on Baby to avoid his brother and his questions. As he entered the garage, his eyes instantly fell onto the empty space where Cas' truck had been parked not two days before. Dean went to grab his tools in a haste and turned his back on the reminder. He opened Baby's door, put the radio on and turned the volume almost at maximum. The man opened the hood of his car and braced his hands on the sides. He closed his eyes, took a deep breath, trying to will away the sight of Cas, hurt openly displayed on his face at his words. Dean tried to chase the pain he had felt seeing Cas look at him like that, the worry that still was present and had made him ask where the angel would go. An image of his mother's dead body flashed in his mind and he reopened his eyes, determined.

As the first notes of Nobody's fault but mine came on, Dean changed the station, ignoring that somewhere far away, a falling angel did the same.

Hours later, Sam had let out part of his anger and frustration in the shooting range. He also turned around every single word Dean had said to him. He had come to the conclusion Castiel had done the right thing. Horribly painful, but the right thing to do. And knowing the angel, he was surely not handling it well. That's why Sam had decided to call him. He tried to ring the angel a first time as soon as closed his bedroom door. No answer. He tried a second time a few minutes later, maybe Castiel was busy. When he still didn't get an answer, Sam decided to text him.

**Answer me please. Or call me back when you can** he send I with a sigh, then texted again.

**I'm not mad at you.**

Five minutes later, the hunter's phone rang. "Sam, I'm sorry", Castiel started.

"Cas, listen to me." Sam started, waiting. When nothing came back, he continued. "I'll be honest. When I learned what happened at the crypt I tried to blame you. But it's not your fault. Nothing is on you, except loving too much maybe. Mom wasn't your fault, we all saw something was wrong with Jack. You only happened to discover he didn't have his soul anymore just before… well the accident happened. And that's also what it was. I haven't forgiven Jack yet, and I don't know if I will ever be able to fully do it, but I know it wasn't intentional." Sam paused when he heard a sigh on the other end. "I miss my mom so much, but there's nothing I can do. And dwell on anger won't arrange anything. As for Rowena…"

"Sam. I'm sorry. But I couldn't let Belphegor eat those souls. I couldn't risk unleashing another powerful enemy like that."

"I know." Sam sighed.

"But I can't express how sorry I am you had to do this. I know… I know she was important to you."

Sam closed his eyes at that, clenching his jaw. He reopened them as he drew a shuddering breath. "She said it was destiny, she believed in magic and that it was her time. Cas, what happened exactly ?", he asked. The angel owed him that at least.

Castiel told him everything. From the way Belphegor had been pushing their button so that none of them would question his motivations too much, to the moment he was dead and their plan blew up.

Sam mused on that. Castiel had seen the bigger picture and acted accordingly. He had prevented another catastrophe instead of creating a new one by solving a problem like they did in the past. And doing so the angel had had o kill the being who looked like his son. "Cas how are you holding up ?"

His friend stayed silent for a few seconds. "I'm okay", he finally said.

"Cas…", the hunter pressed.

"I burned my son's body to kill the demon that had been walking around in it for three days. How do you think I am ?", Cas snapped. Sam didn't reply, stunned by the sudden outburst. "I apologise, I shouldn't –"

"No, no, it's okay, you have to right to be upset. I'm sorry it was you who did it. And I'm sorry we weren't there for you." Once again, the angel didn't utter a word.

"Where are you ?"

"Going north. I think I left South Dakota a couple hours ago." Shit.

"Where are you going ?"

"I don't know." Cas' tone was quite harsh. "I might try to take on some hunts, maybe not.", he added. "I'm moving on Sam. Jack is dead and Chuck left. You have your brother. There is nothing left for me."

Sam's heart clenched at Castiel's words. No wonder he left, he sounded so defeated. "You're sure about that ?"

"Yes Sam, I won't come back."

"If that's really what you want or need, then I will respect that. Even if I don't like it. Just know that if you ever want to come back, you're welcome to do so."

"I hear you."

There was a tense pause before Sam spoke again. "Listen, if you need anything, call us. Or me. I don't know what happened between you and Dean, but if you need me I'll be there. I know I haven't always been the best friend and I can't change the past, but I can make sure to be present for you. You're family Cas, we care about you."

"Thanks Sam. Although I don't think it's the case for Dean anymore, hasn't been in some time." Sam tried to protest. "That's not true", you don't know how he was when you were dead.

"But I appreciate, Sam." The angel interrupted. Silence took over for a dozen seconds before Cas started talking again. "I'm gonna go now."

"Okay" Sam replied, a knot in his stomach. He had a bad feeling about it. This felt like he was going to lose Castiel as well. "You take care of yourself right ?"

"Yes I will. Take care of yourself as well Sam, it's important."

The hunter hummed. "Don't be a stranger, okay ? Give news from time to time please. Love you man."

"I love you too, Sam. Goodbye", the angel said before hanging up.


End file.
